Realizing I'm trans

Date: 28 Jan 2025

So, yeah, I'm probably trans. And have been that way my entire life, probably. However, since I already figured out I'm genderfluid as well, for some time I tried to brush it off as 'just a phase'. It didn't last long — I have my entire life history to prove my transness.

What's all the more interesting is how I noticed that I have accidentally written a gender dysphoric self-insert character...without making the next logical conclusion until about a year later. I need to pay more attention to what the manifestation of my subconscious is trying to say.

The next thing one does upon coming to terms with the truth is have a talk with one's parents in a roundabout way, but end up in an argument anyway. Luckily, I have only one parent, so I have twice less work to do. Still, it's not easy having to deal with someone who's entirely convinced they know me better than I do, all while being wrong about every single thing they think they know about me.

Nevertheless, she did say something that made me question my legitimacy — that being the way my perception of masculinity was influenced by my relationship with my father. It's embarrassing to admit, but yes, she got that part right. While the so-called daddy issues are fun to joke about, they're not nearly as fun to live with. I realize that this failure of a father is the last person I should be admiring, but that's what I feel towards the idealized version of him in my head. So how do I know my gender dysphoria isn't just that — an intense feeling of admiration towards masculinity?

What? What are you even talking about? No! That's not nearly enough for a convincing argument. Are you in your right mind even?

I got bored halfway through writing this. It doesn't matter anymore. None of this is news, never was. I just have to suck it up until I get a chance to start transitioning, possibly never. I'm gonna be miserable either way, but transitioning in the near future will only introduce more problems into my life; it's a really bad timing. So, can I just forget about the whole thing for now? Please? I have things to do. I need to focus.

Anyway, here's a song to describe my experience.